Friday, October 28, 2011

Betrayed

When does the feeling of being betrayed finally fade away? When will trust and love just feel like the normal right thing to do again? I feel as though I am living with a complete stranger. Everything he says and does makes me angry, for no apparent rational reason other than the fact that I am mad. Not really mad at him just mad in general. Why doesn't he get that? When will he begin to understand that I can't get over this? Can't get past this? I feel like every time I feel like things are getting slightly better we end up in a place 10 x's worse than where we were to begin with. At least when we were fighting I was being 100% honest with him.

How do I tell him that with him starting this new job I feel like he is going to cheat on me again? How do you tell that to your husband who is so obviously trying to work through everything with you? Why won't he just take me to counseling? I don't really know why I think that would be the answer to all of our problems, but I do. I just don't understand why he thinks that we have no more problems. He thinks that everything is just perfect and that my mood and attitude are the only thing wrong... so I have a lot to work on but our relationship is just fine. How can he not see that my moods and perceived attitude are in response to what I feel is wrong with our relationship. I don't even know what to say at this point in our marriage. Five years and two cheating spouses later... what do you say. How do you let the anger and the hurt go. Forgiveness seemed like it was such an easy concept. But again it's one of those things that are easier said than done.

I tried Googling everything under the sun that I could think of that could help. How to forgive, how to forget, how to be a better wife, how to have the perfect marriage, how to have an affair proof marriage. But maybe all of those things are the issues that I have to work on. Maybe I should have been looking up how to stop being mad. Because now I think that is the number one problem that we have. I don't know how to stop being mad at him. Not that he doesn't deserve some of that anger... But maybe he is right and it isn't fair of me to treat him this way. I feel like I have hit a dead end... like I am stuck in this place where I hate myself and my husband more than I ever thought possible. And all I want to do is let it all go. All I keep thinking is I wish I had a best friend to talk to again. Because if I had a friend I wouldn't be typing this, I would actually have someone to talk to... :(

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