Sunday, April 15, 2012

And then my soul saw you

So I was searching on Pinterest today and I came across this quote,
"And then my soul saw you and it kind of went, 'Oh, there you are. I've been looking for you.'"

My husband and I have certainly had our share of problems and yes we continue to. We are these two people who under entirely different circumstances could have truly been completely incompatible. I mean truly how did we end up together, out of all of the people in the world how did we end up here. I really don't know. We have a long and complicated history that doesn't make any sense. There has been turmoil since day one and I would never have thought in a million years that we would be here if you would have asked me 8 years ago.

But we are here and I love my husband with all of my heart, more than I could ever imagine loving anyone in this whole world. So I guess my point is that even though our history and our current state isn't exactly perfection, it doesn't stop my love from being stronger than I ever imagined it could be.

This quote made me think of him. It made me think about how when I look at him, I see home. When I look at him I feel warm inside. I feel butterflies and mushy. I don't know how describe the way that I feel, it is truly indescribable. All I know is that it is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Perhaps it's time to start that love dare again and see how far I can make it this time, because old problems are new problems and I don't want this to end us for real this time!

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

One Year Later

I think we can say that we have officially made it to the one year mark. One year ago my marriage started to completely fall apart. Are we any better than we were a year ago? I guess so? I mean I honestly don't know how great our marriage really is, but I can tell you that I love that man with all of my heart. That I can't stand to spend a minute away from him. That I would do anything to take away all of his pain and his hurt. That I wish that we could just be at peace with each other. Things may not be perfect but I feel like they are still moving in the right direction. He lectures me occasionally on my 'attitude' still but I am working on it. I'm never going to be the wife that he wants me to be and he is never going to accept my faults for what they are, but maybe just maybe we can work through them. Fingers crossed and my heart on my sleeve, praying that this next year can be the beginning of a beautiful marriage. With all hurt feelings for each other let go, please let this year be a miracle and let it bring my marriage peace.

We are supposed to renew our vows this month sometime. So let's see how that goes. I will judge our marital success on that.

Monday, November 21, 2011

When I started this...

I had a lot to work on. Not just in my marriage but as a person. My husband and I have done a lot of growing up. I stopped just letting things eat me up and instead stood up and defended my feelings. Not to say that our work is over, but things are in such a better place right now that I don't think I could be happier. I don't have a lot to say at this time except our little family seems to be headed in the right direction and I hope it continues that way!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

My New Goal

So investing in my relationship is officially my goal... A gift a day for the next year... maybe it will be easier said than done, but it is officially my goal in life to make my husbands day everyday!!!

Day 1- I wrote him a copy of my new vows.
Day 2- I gave him a hot bath, with candlelight and a massage :)

So far he is pretty happy I would say!!! Let the gift giving keep rocking!

Friday, October 28, 2011

Betrayed

When does the feeling of being betrayed finally fade away? When will trust and love just feel like the normal right thing to do again? I feel as though I am living with a complete stranger. Everything he says and does makes me angry, for no apparent rational reason other than the fact that I am mad. Not really mad at him just mad in general. Why doesn't he get that? When will he begin to understand that I can't get over this? Can't get past this? I feel like every time I feel like things are getting slightly better we end up in a place 10 x's worse than where we were to begin with. At least when we were fighting I was being 100% honest with him.

How do I tell him that with him starting this new job I feel like he is going to cheat on me again? How do you tell that to your husband who is so obviously trying to work through everything with you? Why won't he just take me to counseling? I don't really know why I think that would be the answer to all of our problems, but I do. I just don't understand why he thinks that we have no more problems. He thinks that everything is just perfect and that my mood and attitude are the only thing wrong... so I have a lot to work on but our relationship is just fine. How can he not see that my moods and perceived attitude are in response to what I feel is wrong with our relationship. I don't even know what to say at this point in our marriage. Five years and two cheating spouses later... what do you say. How do you let the anger and the hurt go. Forgiveness seemed like it was such an easy concept. But again it's one of those things that are easier said than done.

I tried Googling everything under the sun that I could think of that could help. How to forgive, how to forget, how to be a better wife, how to have the perfect marriage, how to have an affair proof marriage. But maybe all of those things are the issues that I have to work on. Maybe I should have been looking up how to stop being mad. Because now I think that is the number one problem that we have. I don't know how to stop being mad at him. Not that he doesn't deserve some of that anger... But maybe he is right and it isn't fair of me to treat him this way. I feel like I have hit a dead end... like I am stuck in this place where I hate myself and my husband more than I ever thought possible. And all I want to do is let it all go. All I keep thinking is I wish I had a best friend to talk to again. Because if I had a friend I wouldn't be typing this, I would actually have someone to talk to... :(

My emotions

I have spent years in self loathing. Days on end feeling worthless. More time than I would like to admit wondering how did I end up here... I have never admitted this to anyone and will probably keep it deep down inside for many years to come, hoping that eventually it will just fade away. But it just never seems to. My husband would tell you I have low self esteem. Then he would continue on to make me feel bad about it. Asking me why I do this to myself. Asking me when I'm going to change. Why doesn't he understand that if I could control these emotions I would. I dont like this person I have become. A smaller, sadder version of myself. I'll admit this to myself and my blog that couples as my 'diary' that no one reads, but that's as far as I can go. Too bad I can't even bring myself to type the words I really feel.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Somethings are so hard to say. Sometimes the words that need to get spoken get stuck somewhere deep down inside. I don't even know what to say anymore. I told him I need someone to talk to and I don't think he gets it. He says I can talk to him that he will listen. What about the part of I can't talk to him did he not get? It's not because I don't love him or trust him or anything like that. It's because I need someone to tell me my feelings are okay. I need someone to justify all the things that I feel so awful about. Or at least tell me I'm not a bad person for thinking them. I need someone to help me get over all of this so I can stop obsessing. Or tell me it's okay to obsess. I don't know what's okay anymore. Emotional boundaries are so confusing right now!