Monday, November 21, 2011

When I started this...

I had a lot to work on. Not just in my marriage but as a person. My husband and I have done a lot of growing up. I stopped just letting things eat me up and instead stood up and defended my feelings. Not to say that our work is over, but things are in such a better place right now that I don't think I could be happier. I don't have a lot to say at this time except our little family seems to be headed in the right direction and I hope it continues that way!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

My New Goal

So investing in my relationship is officially my goal... A gift a day for the next year... maybe it will be easier said than done, but it is officially my goal in life to make my husbands day everyday!!!

Day 1- I wrote him a copy of my new vows.
Day 2- I gave him a hot bath, with candlelight and a massage :)

So far he is pretty happy I would say!!! Let the gift giving keep rocking!

Friday, October 28, 2011


When does the feeling of being betrayed finally fade away? When will trust and love just feel like the normal right thing to do again? I feel as though I am living with a complete stranger. Everything he says and does makes me angry, for no apparent rational reason other than the fact that I am mad. Not really mad at him just mad in general. Why doesn't he get that? When will he begin to understand that I can't get over this? Can't get past this? I feel like every time I feel like things are getting slightly better we end up in a place 10 x's worse than where we were to begin with. At least when we were fighting I was being 100% honest with him.

How do I tell him that with him starting this new job I feel like he is going to cheat on me again? How do you tell that to your husband who is so obviously trying to work through everything with you? Why won't he just take me to counseling? I don't really know why I think that would be the answer to all of our problems, but I do. I just don't understand why he thinks that we have no more problems. He thinks that everything is just perfect and that my mood and attitude are the only thing wrong... so I have a lot to work on but our relationship is just fine. How can he not see that my moods and perceived attitude are in response to what I feel is wrong with our relationship. I don't even know what to say at this point in our marriage. Five years and two cheating spouses later... what do you say. How do you let the anger and the hurt go. Forgiveness seemed like it was such an easy concept. But again it's one of those things that are easier said than done.

I tried Googling everything under the sun that I could think of that could help. How to forgive, how to forget, how to be a better wife, how to have the perfect marriage, how to have an affair proof marriage. But maybe all of those things are the issues that I have to work on. Maybe I should have been looking up how to stop being mad. Because now I think that is the number one problem that we have. I don't know how to stop being mad at him. Not that he doesn't deserve some of that anger... But maybe he is right and it isn't fair of me to treat him this way. I feel like I have hit a dead end... like I am stuck in this place where I hate myself and my husband more than I ever thought possible. And all I want to do is let it all go. All I keep thinking is I wish I had a best friend to talk to again. Because if I had a friend I wouldn't be typing this, I would actually have someone to talk to... :(

My emotions

I have spent years in self loathing. Days on end feeling worthless. More time than I would like to admit wondering how did I end up here... I have never admitted this to anyone and will probably keep it deep down inside for many years to come, hoping that eventually it will just fade away. But it just never seems to. My husband would tell you I have low self esteem. Then he would continue on to make me feel bad about it. Asking me why I do this to myself. Asking me when I'm going to change. Why doesn't he understand that if I could control these emotions I would. I dont like this person I have become. A smaller, sadder version of myself. I'll admit this to myself and my blog that couples as my 'diary' that no one reads, but that's as far as I can go. Too bad I can't even bring myself to type the words I really feel.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Somethings are so hard to say. Sometimes the words that need to get spoken get stuck somewhere deep down inside. I don't even know what to say anymore. I told him I need someone to talk to and I don't think he gets it. He says I can talk to him that he will listen. What about the part of I can't talk to him did he not get? It's not because I don't love him or trust him or anything like that. It's because I need someone to tell me my feelings are okay. I need someone to justify all the things that I feel so awful about. Or at least tell me I'm not a bad person for thinking them. I need someone to help me get over all of this so I can stop obsessing. Or tell me it's okay to obsess. I don't know what's okay anymore. Emotional boundaries are so confusing right now!

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

So... it's been almost a month

So It's been almost a month since I have given up on working on my marriage. And basically that didn't work out at all for me. I don't even know where to begin this time. I feel like he is scheming and trying to replace me again. When am I going to stop feeling like this? When is everything going to just feel right with us? I feel like I want to vomit right now. I feel like I have everything to lose right now. I am lost. I am so completely lost right now. I wish that I would have taken him up on his marriage counseling offer in the beginning. I wish that all of our issues were resolved. The horrible thing is that I have fallen back into all of my old habits that made him cheat on me in the first place. So where do I go from here. God I wish that I had a friend... seriously JUST ONE!!! Someone to talk to... someone to listen to me... someone to help me get through this.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I don't even know what to title this post.  I don't even know what I really want to write about at this point.  I guess I just don't know what to do.  I feel like we are running around in emotional circles here.  One minute we are so happy and whatever and then two seconds later we are fighting like we hate each other again.  I know that there is a lot of outside stuff going on right now with our families and jobs/election stuff, but how can we keep doing this to each other.  I always thought that we were meant to be.  I thought that when I married him I was going to spend the rest of my life with him being deliriously happy.  I thought that we were just going to do whatever we needed to and the love and passion that we shared would never fade away.  Instead we have turned into that couple that barely ever sleeps in the same bed. (Partially because of our co-sleeping infant, but still.)  Last night was the first time we had slept in the same bed together without a baby for over six months.  As he turned to the wall to get comfortable I swear it was like a knife to my heart.  I thought we were going to cuddle.  I thought that it was going to be loving and instead it was sleep time. Yes, I was exhausted too but I wanted to spend some time cuddling at least.  I don't know how we got here and I don't know how to stop being resentful so that we can get back to where we were.  I don't know what to do and it is killing me.  I wish that everything could just be okay so that we could stop fighting like this.  I can't believe we can hurt each other like this and still pretend like everything is okay.  I wish that we could both stop being angry.  Really I do.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


I wish that I knew why my husband stayed with me. Why on Earth would he stay with me when he seems to hate me so much? I do nothing but make him miserable. I don't do it on purpose and half the time I don't even realize I am doing it until he is mad. Why stay with me when I am such an awful person? Why stay when everything about me makes him feel bad?

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

It's funny...

It's funny how time changes everything. Let me explain. This weekend (labor day weekend) marked the 6 anniversary of when the hubby and I got engaged. I remember every other weekend since then waking in the morning thinking about that weekend. Thinking about the amazing meal we had and how romantic he was. Funny how now I can't even remember what I ate. Funny how this weekend I didn't even remember that it was an 'anniversary' of any sort. Funny how time changes everything and how it even makes you forget.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Oh babies...

We officially have no one to watch our babies... which makes having a date with my husband impossible. So date #2 was out the window but we made the best of it that we could. We spent the day out and about doing things with the kids. Then we went to my MIL's house and she kept the babies upstairs while we watched a movie in the basement. Not exactly a date by any means but at least we got an hour and a half of peace and quiet to pay attention to a whole movie! I don't remember the last time I made it through a movie without one of the babies making some kind of fuss. My recommendation to anyone without kids... wait. Wait until you are fully prepared. Wait until your marriage can handle the hurricane force that children blow through your marriage with. As much as I love my two cuties... they certainly do nothing for intimacy in my marriage.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Date #2

So Date number two will be on Sunday... babysitters willing of course :) I don't really know what we are going to do, but I hope it is as fun as the last date. Things have been slightly rocky in the past few weeks. It seems sometimes that no matter what either one of us does the other is always getting mad and frustrated. I hope that someday we can get past all of this. Otherwise it's just a waste of time really isn't it?

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Some days I feel like my crying 6 month old... Other days I feel like my screaming two year old. Others I seem to be able to maintain semi-adult like behavior. When it comes to my marriage, it seems that we are always in a state of uncertainty. I wonder if my husband walks around feeling this way too or if I'm the only one completely confused. I know that this are gradually getting better between us. I feel like we are trying to communicate as best that we can and yet I feel like I have so much to say that will never get said. I feel like every time I try and convey something, a feeling or a need I may have I get shot down because I make him feel like he is failing me in some way.

There was a time when that was my purpose... to make him feel bad for how bad he made me feel. I no longer wish that though. I don't want him to ever feel bad ever again. I don't want my anger or my frustration to seep in between us any longer. But how will he ever be able to meet my needs if he won't let me tell him what they are? And when he finally does let me tell him, he seems so bitter and uncaring. Is this how our marriage is going to carry on? Me feeling like I'm not being heard and him feeling like I'm purposefully trying to cause him pain? I wish he could read my mind. I wish that he knew all that I felt so that there wouldn't be this huge disconnection.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Countdown

I have started a countdown... My husband says that I start a fight everyday. That it usually starts before 8am. So starting today I am trying to go fight free for as long as I can. Right now I am at 1:36pm and no fights :) Updates to come soon!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My Failure

I have failed once again. Oh why did I think it was a good idea to follow what some stupid book said. That I should tell my husband all of the things that I bring into every fight, ask for him to apologize and then I would be able to forgive. A big fat failure. Instead it turned into an even bigger fight and him threatening to make me a list that would be twice as long. Why can't we just speak to each other? I feel like falling to pieces right now. I don't even know how the fight got started. I certainly didn't want to fight. I just want to feel healed. I want to forget the past that I carry with me every where. And even marriage counseling is off the table now because we can't afford it. I don't know what to do any more.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I'm Sorry

Apologies. Something that I have grown to be proficient at. To say that I have a lot to be sorry for would be an understatement. The morning you wake up and realize that everything that has happened in recent years in your marriage is because of the incredible anger you are carrying is very sobering. Anger is my issue now... one I feel like I inherited from my husband. When we were first married he had a short temper which molded my reactions and the anger that I now carry... So how do I put an end to my anger. A new topic which I must research before I can pursue a happier marriage. First I need to help me, before I can fix us. Forgiveness is the first step on the journey I must take.

The Hardest Question

Why did I marry my husband?
It shouldn't really be that hard to answer should it? Shouldn't I be able to list a number of reasons just because I love him? And yet when this question is brought up I seem to draw an emotional blank. I sit and I sit wondering why exactly did I marry this man who I seem to be so angry at? And I have come to decide that this anger that I am carrying around with me all day everyday is blocking the positive thoughts that I have had of him. So how do I block the thoughts? Forgiveness. How exactly do I begin to forgive the man I love? Another task I didn't think would be as hard as it is. As I am reading "Project Happily Ever After" by Alisa Bowman I can't help but find incredible similarities in our stories. And now I can have a slight hope that my marriage can get better as well. Other people actually have problems like mine and have found their way back to romance and intimacy.
So why did I marry my husband?
Because he was honest. Because he was funny, not funny hilarious. Because he always found the light side of a situation. Because he was handsome. Because he was loving. Because he was romantic. Because he cared deeply about me. Because no matter what situation he was always my best friend, worrying about me and my best interest, worrying about everything and taking care of me as best he could. I married my husband for all of these reasons, some of which may be true and yet this negative anger that surrounds me so often blinds me to them. I know it but that doesn't change me.
I have been actively trying to make this all better. I have been reading and rereading. I have been sharing and asking questions. I have been doing all that I can and I think we are somewhere great and yet I don't know yet. I don't know if I will for sometime. But at least at this point in our marriage I can honestly say that I have a great deal of hope. Hope I suppose that is a start!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Date #1

Well I would have to say that while date number one was far from what I expected it was perfect! I felt happier and closer to my husband than I have in years. We went down to the river and walked through the water looking for crayfish. My husband managed to split his pants. :) Which was certainly the highlight of our afternoon. After that we went to a park and walked around stopping to relax on a wooden swing where I got stun by a wasp. Did I say our date was amazing yet? Well minus the stinging part. We laughed and relaxed something we usually forget to do. I threw out expectations and just enjoyed every minute we had together. I don't know what else to say other than I feel like I found my best friend again. Nothing could make this girl happier.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


I swear sometimes I am so freaking irrational. I know it. I mean I really do. But it doesn't stop the crap from spewing out of my mouth. Or my mind from running in all different directions. I hate that I have these trust and jealousy issues. Yes completely unfounded in the beginning of this marriage and yet justified now. I hate that. I hate that I have a reason to feel jealous and that I have a reason not to trust my husband. But when does the trust come back? When can I reasonably expect to stop freaking out at every little mishap in my marriage. The answer: when I decide to. I have decided several times in the past few weeks to give it up and move on. Most recently the day left him alone for four days, while he had to work nights and the kids and I stayed at my parents. I gave him my trust. I really thought that I did and yet when I came home I found myself looking for anything to justify my suspicions.

The only thing that I can do is let the past go. That is the only part of the problem that I have control over. I can let go of this horrible past we are carrying around with us and I can jump into a new life praying for better decisions and more passion and intimacy. So where I sit I just have to make the decision. I have to change me and maybe then everything will fall into place. While this whole change business is easier said than done I think it's doable. I just have to decide. Praying that I can stick to my decision and praying that I can finally become the rational person I once was.

Blog Time Out

Due to some family obligations and crazy working hours I have had to take a break from my Love Dare. Stinks but it's too hard for me to do what I need to do in order to successfully reboot this marriage when we are running around like crazy people. We are still having the same old problems that we have been having for a very long time and I feel like all I can do is brush it off and pray that some day we are going to have time for each other, although it feels like that time is never going to come. Right now I am just reading reading reading. It's all I can do. Educate myself. Change myself. Lose myself in this marriage. So I will continue to blog as I have time about my reading and what I am trying to do and what I am feeling. Right now I am feeling like I'm exhausted and I hope that somehow I can find the energy to be who I need to be.

My current read is "The New Rules of Marriage: A breakthrough program for 21st-Century relationships" by Terrence Real. It is basically a set of rules to guide you to change your behavior and attitudes so that you may have the relationship you dream of.

My only issue with reading these books and trying to change is I don't really know if it's working at all. We are still arguing. I know that we have been apart for several days now but is that really to blame? I hope that I can figure this out during the weeks to come because I hate feeling like I don't have the ability to make this better.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Date Night?!?!?

Oh boy... it is official, we are planning our first date. I feel like a giddy little girl or something. I don't even know how to describe how excited I am to plan a date for me and my husband. We have agreed to do a date night every 3rd set of days off and I am up first. To say I am nervous would be an understatement. I just hope that everything works out and it is the most amazing date ever. No pressure but this is how I will know if we make it or not... this is how I will know... :)

Day 9- Love Makes Good Impressions

Today's Dare: "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."

Greetings. Something that I rarely give any thought or consideration to. I have noticed lately though that my husband has been coming home with a smile and all around pleasantness. Even though I know he is exhausted and miserable he makes it a point to make sure that I know he loves that I am here!

Tonight when my husband came home from work I met him at the door, gave him a giant hug, and told him how happy I was to see him. Then I handed him his dinner and his love note for the day :). I honestly don't think that he knew what to think. I guess I'm not a good greeter.

***On a side note we started reading a book together last night, "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Patricia Love and Stephen Stosny. The introduction went smoothly however the beginning of the first chapter was a little rough. It's hard to sit down and read after a long day. The ideas discussed about fear and shame however are very interesting. My marriage needs this connection that they are talking about and communication definitely is not getting us anywhere. I hope that if we can make it through the book we will develop a better understanding of each other. It's funny how people are generally all the same. I find it so odd how the story of the couple in the book is so similar to what happened between my husband and I. I wish that I would have realized our marriage was in such turmoil before this all happened. Maybe it would have been easier to repair us before the broken heart, now resentment haunts me more than I know and would like.

100 Ways to Say I love You-Day 9

Your smile is the loveliest sight in this world

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Love Evolves

Like most things in life, love is constantly evolving. An idea that until late has completely evaded me. My love for my husband has evolved. It began slowly, receded, grew again, receded and the flame almost died out.

Growing up I didn't believe in marriage. Even the day I got married, I didn't honestly believe that I could promise to love one person for the rest of my life. How could that even be possible? I knew that I loved him then and thought maybe I would figure the whole marriage thing out as we went along.

When I said my vows I didn't promise to love my husband the same way forever. I didn't say my love for you will never fade slightly or my love for you will never grow. I promised to stand by him for better or for worse. I promised to allow my love to evolve. So maybe my love isn't what I thought it would be at this point in my marriage, maybe my marriage isn't how I hoped it would be, but it is what it is, constantly evolving.

All I can do is make the best of what we have and work as hard as I can to make it better. There is no giving up hope, there is no way that I will give up on that dream of happily ever after. My husband is my prince charming. He may not always live up to the vision I have in my mind but he does all he can and I appreciate that more than I can express to him.

Our love is evolving everyday and all we can do is hold on for the ride.

Day 8- Love is not Jealous

I feel like I'm going to school on how to have a good marriage! Literally I'm not even kidding. It's a good thing that I love to learn! Right now my reading list consists of:

I hope these books have the answers I need.

Today's Dare: "Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."

Burning the list=not a hard task. Well technically I didn't burn it I just threw it in the trash! But I don't want to think negative things about my husband anymore. I want to be his biggest fan as I should be. I want to find the best in him and celebrate it. There is no reason for us to argue anymore. There shouldn't be an ounce of resentment or hate left. We put everything out in the open and I think now we can finally say it is all resolved. Yes, I still have some difficulty believing that he is being honest with me 100% of the time but that's okay because he reaffirms my trust in him every day. I know that there will still be some fights and there will still be some times when we don't see eye to eye but as we strengthen our love it will get easier to resolve everything with love.

Later today I am going to congratulate my husband on how proud I am of him for sticking it out with this job that he hates so much, a huge success in my eyes!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Day 7-Love Believes the Best

Today's Dare: "For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both in a secret place for another day. there is a different purpose and plan for each. at some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic."

Negative thoughts have invaded my brain. That is all I have to say.

The negative list about my husband came a lot easier to me than the positive. I don't know if it is because of the problems we have been having lately or if I have been that way for a long time. I wish that I could honestly say that I spent my days spewing admiration for my husband, but negativity has settled in my soul. And especially now in this time of hurt it is so much easier for me to be negative then it is for me to want to be positive.

Something I hope I have accomplished in this week of dare, yes I have now officially completed a full week, is to rein in some of those negative thoughts and even if I do have them I keep them to myself. Yes, now and then one of those stray thoughts may come popping out of my mouth before I have the chance to think, but I am actively trying to restrain myself.

After the betrayal I would spend all day thinking about what had happened and would send my husband dozens of texts about all the negative things running through my brain. I really had no one to talk to but him and I couldn't imagine having kept all that stuff inside. Luckily my negative thoughts have slowed and now we are slowly finding ourselves in a happier place.

The one positive attribute I shared with my husband was that he is a great father.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I wish...

I wish I had a time machine and I could erase all of the awful things that have happened in my marriage. I wish that I could take back all of the hurt, all of the pain that I have caused my husband. Sometimes I lay awake at night, bursting into tears wondering how the hell did we end up here?!?! It's hard knowing that the one person that you love more than anything in the world has felt the sharpest, worst pain imaginable.

I often wonder when the pain will fade away when I will stop thinking about it. Finally at this point I think I can say for the most part I have let most of the pain go. About two months after the betrayal... I don't sit home and think about it non-stop all day. Instead of pining over it, I spend my hours researching ways to show my husband that I love him. I spend hours a day thinking of ways to make my husband want to stay.

I want to have a happy marriage. I don't want to worry about affairs or betrayal. I don't want to constantly worry what his next lie is going to be. I don't' want to worry what should I fear. I just want to know that I have a husband who is here for me, who is looking out for the best interest of my children and myself. When will I have that back?

I wish that I could have the life where I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if my husband is going to leave me. I know he says he isn't going anywhere, but he said the same thing to my face while he was plotting our separation.

My biggest wish right now, that this isn't all a game. That he really does love me and that when he does find the time he will work on this marriage with me. I wish for love. That's all I ever wanted... just to be loved.

Day 6 Love is Not irritable

Today's Dare: "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."

Another dare that is easier said than done, going hand in hand with that whole patience thing. Where do I need to add margin? One thing that I have been trying to work on is patience with my marital problems. I need to react better, knowing that just because I have all the time in the world to work on our marriage, my husband just doesn't. Instead of becoming irritable I should take a deep breath and wait.

It's taking me time. My attitude towards my husband and my marriage was basically at the point where we were both ready to leave each other. Divorce was on the table. As much as we both wish we could, we can't just snap our fingers and back peddle to a place of happiness. It took time for us to get angry and it will take time to erase it as well.

100 Ways to Say I love You Day 7

Every moment that we are apart, you are in my thoughts.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


How can I get my husband to start communicating with me? I feel like there is a brick wall between us. He says that he comes home everyday with a smile on his face and pretends like everything is okay in the hopes that it will make me happy. That does not make me happy. Why doesn't he understand that this marriage is a partnership and it's okay to lean on me? I feel like we are two completely separate entities in this marriage instead of two people working as one. I started this 'Love Dare' hoping that I would show my husband how much I truly do love him. I am hoping that it will teach me to unconditionally love my husband once again. But how do we get to the point of unconditional love when I'm doing this project all on my own? It feels like we are on two completely separate pages once again and the space between us is only getting bigger. I can't force him to spend time working with me every night. He is exhausted and our martial problems are the last thing on his mind after his 12 hour shift. Maybe he's right... maybe in my drive to fix us I am only acting on selfish motives. I just don't see it though not when I'm working so hard to do everything that HE needs.

Day 5- Love is not Rude

Today's Dare: "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."

1.) When I get grumpy and he doesn't know why
2.) When he comes home and the house is messy (food messy)
3.) When I procrastinate

I have to admit that these are not the top three things that I thought he would pick. Perhaps because I rushed him to make a decision. If he got to sit and think about it however I think that a few other things would have made the list. But these are obviously things that do bother him, things that I have always known about.

My reaction to this list? #1.) I knew this would be his number one. I don't do this on purpose. When I get upset I kind of retreat within myself and it's hard for me to voice what I need to say, especially when we get in an argument where I feel like I am being attacked. Also when I know that the reason I am upset is silly I kind of shut down on him too. #2.) I think I have really improved in this area. I do the dishes daily and pick up after the baby as he makes his messes throughout the house. #3.) I have always been a procrastinator. I will probably always be. I swear it is an inherited trait. But for the sake of our marriage I think it is something that I will have to strive to better within myself.

100 Ways to Say I Love You- Day 4, 5 and 6

Your eyes light up my world.
I don't know what I would do without you.
You fill me with desire.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 4- Love is Thoughtful

Today's Dare: "Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything that you can do for them."

Fairly simple task. Most days I send the hubby a text to see how he is doing. Today however I made a point to ask if there was anything he needed me to do. He's very busy though and rarely has time to respond to me. Another place where my new found patience is going to come in handy! I didn't really have to ask if he needed me to do anything around the house today because he asked me to do several things before I had a chance.

I made sure I had everything done before he got home. Unfortunately we had a fight again. When he was on his way home he started barking orders at me about things that I hadn't thought of doing instead of asking me to do them. He said that he was just joking around talking like that. It's hard right now because so much in our relationship is on thin ice that when he starts acting like that even if he thinks he is joking it doesn't come across that way to me. Patience.... patience!!

100 Ways to Say I love You-Day 3

You are the best thing to happen to me.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 3- Love is not selfish

Today's Dare: "Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says 'I was thinking of you today'."

Because of money restraints, that I didn't get to the store, and the fact that I didn't read ahead to today's dare I decided to roll yesterday and today into one. I know cheating, but the love was still shown. :) Today's idea is very interesting, but makes complete sense. If I never put any work into my marriage or the romance of my marriage how can I expect it to be important to me?

It annoys me when my husband doesn't have time for me on the days that he works and he insists that when he has time he will show me how much he loves me. I guess sometimes I feel that he isn't investing in us, especially on those days. There is always some excuse that we will be able to fix us later, but honestly how long can I wait. I know that my husband loves me. Yes there is no doubt about that. The problem is that I feel like I am waiting for the simple moments that make me feel so loved. I don't expect him to have time everyday. I know that he is far more busy that I know. This is completely off topic on the selfish post, but it just annoyed me today when he said that we would have time for each other when we are retired or something like that. I'm only 24 years old do I really have to wait that long for him to have time for me?

100 Ways to Say I Love You- Day 1 and 2

7/26- Even one lifetime is not enough to love you.
7/27- My life means nothing if it does not include you.

Day 2- Love is Kind

Today's Dare: "In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness."

Kindness is much easier than patience. Today made me incredibly happy. To see my husband happy because of the kindness I showed him was amazing. To begin I bought him a card apologizing for Day 1 and my extreme lack of patience. I also got him some foot scrub and gave him a foot massage. I bought his favorite soda. I did all I could do to make him happy after his long day of work. It's amazing how after just two days I feel like my marriage is 100 x's better. The reason... I stopped thinking about everything that is wrong in my marriage. I stopped worrying about whether or not my husband was going to leave me. I started giving him reasons to stay. I changed the way I reacted. I left divorce out of the equation and instead decided to just enjoy my marriage and do the best that I could to rescue it. Day two a success if I do say so myself :)

Day 1-Love is patient

Who would have thought that I lack patience. Really, anger is my default reaction to almost every situation. When did I become that person? When did I turn into this angry wife who reacts so poorly no matter what? Patience is the reason we have found ourselves here on the brink of destruction or separation. I bought this book because a friend recommended it and now I'm trying it out.

Today's Dare-

"The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. for the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. if the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. it's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."

To say that I failed miserably at this dare is an understatement. I am not a patient person. I don't think that I have ever been. But our marriage needs me to be and it is so hard to know that I still failed when I was trying.

My failure: Today in an effort to show my love to my husband I sent him an email and lovey e-card. He never responded or acknowledged them. I didn't say anything trying to be patient. However by 11pm when we were trying to go to bed I completely lost it and jumped him with my rage. My feelings were hurt because he never said anything. But instead of asking him about it I defaulted to my anger and well it wasn't pretty. I apologized shortly thereafter and he said he forgave me but I know that what I did wasn't fair at all and I am destroying what little we do have left when I act that way.

Even though I did fail I decided to move on to the next day and try to work even harder at being patient. It is going to be a daily struggle until I can master the art of biting my tongue...