Sunday, July 31, 2011

Frustration...

How can I get my husband to start communicating with me? I feel like there is a brick wall between us. He says that he comes home everyday with a smile on his face and pretends like everything is okay in the hopes that it will make me happy. That does not make me happy. Why doesn't he understand that this marriage is a partnership and it's okay to lean on me? I feel like we are two completely separate entities in this marriage instead of two people working as one. I started this 'Love Dare' hoping that I would show my husband how much I truly do love him. I am hoping that it will teach me to unconditionally love my husband once again. But how do we get to the point of unconditional love when I'm doing this project all on my own? It feels like we are on two completely separate pages once again and the space between us is only getting bigger. I can't force him to spend time working with me every night. He is exhausted and our martial problems are the last thing on his mind after his 12 hour shift. Maybe he's right... maybe in my drive to fix us I am only acting on selfish motives. I just don't see it though not when I'm working so hard to do everything that HE needs.

Day 5- Love is not Rude

Today's Dare: "Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only."

1.) When I get grumpy and he doesn't know why
2.) When he comes home and the house is messy (food messy)
3.) When I procrastinate

I have to admit that these are not the top three things that I thought he would pick. Perhaps because I rushed him to make a decision. If he got to sit and think about it however I think that a few other things would have made the list. But these are obviously things that do bother him, things that I have always known about.

My reaction to this list? #1.) I knew this would be his number one. I don't do this on purpose. When I get upset I kind of retreat within myself and it's hard for me to voice what I need to say, especially when we get in an argument where I feel like I am being attacked. Also when I know that the reason I am upset is silly I kind of shut down on him too. #2.) I think I have really improved in this area. I do the dishes daily and pick up after the baby as he makes his messes throughout the house. #3.) I have always been a procrastinator. I will probably always be. I swear it is an inherited trait. But for the sake of our marriage I think it is something that I will have to strive to better within myself.

100 Ways to Say I Love You- Day 4, 5 and 6

Your eyes light up my world.
I don't know what I would do without you.
You fill me with desire.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Day 4- Love is Thoughtful

Today's Dare: "Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything that you can do for them."





Fairly simple task. Most days I send the hubby a text to see how he is doing. Today however I made a point to ask if there was anything he needed me to do. He's very busy though and rarely has time to respond to me. Another place where my new found patience is going to come in handy! I didn't really have to ask if he needed me to do anything around the house today because he asked me to do several things before I had a chance.

I made sure I had everything done before he got home. Unfortunately we had a fight again. When he was on his way home he started barking orders at me about things that I hadn't thought of doing instead of asking me to do them. He said that he was just joking around talking like that. It's hard right now because so much in our relationship is on thin ice that when he starts acting like that even if he thinks he is joking it doesn't come across that way to me. Patience.... patience!!

100 Ways to Say I love You-Day 3

You are the best thing to happen to me.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Day 3- Love is not selfish

Today's Dare: "Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says 'I was thinking of you today'."

Because of money restraints, that I didn't get to the store, and the fact that I didn't read ahead to today's dare I decided to roll yesterday and today into one. I know cheating, but the love was still shown. :) Today's idea is very interesting, but makes complete sense. If I never put any work into my marriage or the romance of my marriage how can I expect it to be important to me?

It annoys me when my husband doesn't have time for me on the days that he works and he insists that when he has time he will show me how much he loves me. I guess sometimes I feel that he isn't investing in us, especially on those days. There is always some excuse that we will be able to fix us later, but honestly how long can I wait. I know that my husband loves me. Yes there is no doubt about that. The problem is that I feel like I am waiting for the simple moments that make me feel so loved. I don't expect him to have time everyday. I know that he is far more busy that I know. This is completely off topic on the selfish post, but it just annoyed me today when he said that we would have time for each other when we are retired or something like that. I'm only 24 years old do I really have to wait that long for him to have time for me?

100 Ways to Say I Love You- Day 1 and 2

7/26- Even one lifetime is not enough to love you.
7/27- My life means nothing if it does not include you.

Day 2- Love is Kind

Today's Dare: "In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness."


Kindness is much easier than patience. Today made me incredibly happy. To see my husband happy because of the kindness I showed him was amazing. To begin I bought him a card apologizing for Day 1 and my extreme lack of patience. I also got him some foot scrub and gave him a foot massage. I bought his favorite soda. I did all I could do to make him happy after his long day of work. It's amazing how after just two days I feel like my marriage is 100 x's better. The reason... I stopped thinking about everything that is wrong in my marriage. I stopped worrying about whether or not my husband was going to leave me. I started giving him reasons to stay. I changed the way I reacted. I left divorce out of the equation and instead decided to just enjoy my marriage and do the best that I could to rescue it. Day two a success if I do say so myself :)

Day 1-Love is patient

Who would have thought that I lack patience. Really, anger is my default reaction to almost every situation. When did I become that person? When did I turn into this angry wife who reacts so poorly no matter what? Patience is the reason we have found ourselves here on the brink of destruction or separation. I bought this book because a friend recommended it and now I'm trying it out.





Today's Dare-


"The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. for the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. if the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. it's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."



To say that I failed miserably at this dare is an understatement. I am not a patient person. I don't think that I have ever been. But our marriage needs me to be and it is so hard to know that I still failed when I was trying.



My failure: Today in an effort to show my love to my husband I sent him an email and lovey e-card. He never responded or acknowledged them. I didn't say anything trying to be patient. However by 11pm when we were trying to go to bed I completely lost it and jumped him with my rage. My feelings were hurt because he never said anything. But instead of asking him about it I defaulted to my anger and well it wasn't pretty. I apologized shortly thereafter and he said he forgave me but I know that what I did wasn't fair at all and I am destroying what little we do have left when I act that way.

Even though I did fail I decided to move on to the next day and try to work even harder at being patient. It is going to be a daily struggle until I can master the art of biting my tongue...