Sunday, August 28, 2011

Some days I feel like my crying 6 month old... Other days I feel like my screaming two year old. Others I seem to be able to maintain semi-adult like behavior. When it comes to my marriage, it seems that we are always in a state of uncertainty. I wonder if my husband walks around feeling this way too or if I'm the only one completely confused. I know that this are gradually getting better between us. I feel like we are trying to communicate as best that we can and yet I feel like I have so much to say that will never get said. I feel like every time I try and convey something, a feeling or a need I may have I get shot down because I make him feel like he is failing me in some way.

There was a time when that was my purpose... to make him feel bad for how bad he made me feel. I no longer wish that though. I don't want him to ever feel bad ever again. I don't want my anger or my frustration to seep in between us any longer. But how will he ever be able to meet my needs if he won't let me tell him what they are? And when he finally does let me tell him, he seems so bitter and uncaring. Is this how our marriage is going to carry on? Me feeling like I'm not being heard and him feeling like I'm purposefully trying to cause him pain? I wish he could read my mind. I wish that he knew all that I felt so that there wouldn't be this huge disconnection.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The Countdown

I have started a countdown... My husband says that I start a fight everyday. That it usually starts before 8am. So starting today I am trying to go fight free for as long as I can. Right now I am at 1:36pm and no fights :) Updates to come soon!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My Failure

I have failed once again. Oh why did I think it was a good idea to follow what some stupid book said. That I should tell my husband all of the things that I bring into every fight, ask for him to apologize and then I would be able to forgive. A big fat failure. Instead it turned into an even bigger fight and him threatening to make me a list that would be twice as long. Why can't we just speak to each other? I feel like falling to pieces right now. I don't even know how the fight got started. I certainly didn't want to fight. I just want to feel healed. I want to forget the past that I carry with me every where. And even marriage counseling is off the table now because we can't afford it. I don't know what to do any more.

Monday, August 22, 2011

I'm Sorry

Apologies. Something that I have grown to be proficient at. To say that I have a lot to be sorry for would be an understatement. The morning you wake up and realize that everything that has happened in recent years in your marriage is because of the incredible anger you are carrying is very sobering. Anger is my issue now... one I feel like I inherited from my husband. When we were first married he had a short temper which molded my reactions and the anger that I now carry... So how do I put an end to my anger. A new topic which I must research before I can pursue a happier marriage. First I need to help me, before I can fix us. Forgiveness is the first step on the journey I must take.

The Hardest Question

Why did I marry my husband?
It shouldn't really be that hard to answer should it? Shouldn't I be able to list a number of reasons just because I love him? And yet when this question is brought up I seem to draw an emotional blank. I sit and I sit wondering why exactly did I marry this man who I seem to be so angry at? And I have come to decide that this anger that I am carrying around with me all day everyday is blocking the positive thoughts that I have had of him. So how do I block the thoughts? Forgiveness. How exactly do I begin to forgive the man I love? Another task I didn't think would be as hard as it is. As I am reading "Project Happily Ever After" by Alisa Bowman I can't help but find incredible similarities in our stories. And now I can have a slight hope that my marriage can get better as well. Other people actually have problems like mine and have found their way back to romance and intimacy.
So why did I marry my husband?
Because he was honest. Because he was funny, not funny hilarious. Because he always found the light side of a situation. Because he was handsome. Because he was loving. Because he was romantic. Because he cared deeply about me. Because no matter what situation he was always my best friend, worrying about me and my best interest, worrying about everything and taking care of me as best he could. I married my husband for all of these reasons, some of which may be true and yet this negative anger that surrounds me so often blinds me to them. I know it but that doesn't change me.
I have been actively trying to make this all better. I have been reading and rereading. I have been sharing and asking questions. I have been doing all that I can and I think we are somewhere great and yet I don't know yet. I don't know if I will for sometime. But at least at this point in our marriage I can honestly say that I have a great deal of hope. Hope I suppose that is a start!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Date #1

Well I would have to say that while date number one was far from what I expected it was perfect! I felt happier and closer to my husband than I have in years. We went down to the river and walked through the water looking for crayfish. My husband managed to split his pants. :) Which was certainly the highlight of our afternoon. After that we went to a park and walked around stopping to relax on a wooden swing where I got stun by a wasp. Did I say our date was amazing yet? Well minus the stinging part. We laughed and relaxed something we usually forget to do. I threw out expectations and just enjoyed every minute we had together. I don't know what else to say other than I feel like I found my best friend again. Nothing could make this girl happier.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


I swear sometimes I am so freaking irrational. I know it. I mean I really do. But it doesn't stop the crap from spewing out of my mouth. Or my mind from running in all different directions. I hate that I have these trust and jealousy issues. Yes completely unfounded in the beginning of this marriage and yet justified now. I hate that. I hate that I have a reason to feel jealous and that I have a reason not to trust my husband. But when does the trust come back? When can I reasonably expect to stop freaking out at every little mishap in my marriage. The answer: when I decide to. I have decided several times in the past few weeks to give it up and move on. Most recently the day left him alone for four days, while he had to work nights and the kids and I stayed at my parents. I gave him my trust. I really thought that I did and yet when I came home I found myself looking for anything to justify my suspicions.

The only thing that I can do is let the past go. That is the only part of the problem that I have control over. I can let go of this horrible past we are carrying around with us and I can jump into a new life praying for better decisions and more passion and intimacy. So where I sit I just have to make the decision. I have to change me and maybe then everything will fall into place. While this whole change business is easier said than done I think it's doable. I just have to decide. Praying that I can stick to my decision and praying that I can finally become the rational person I once was.

Blog Time Out

Due to some family obligations and crazy working hours I have had to take a break from my Love Dare. Stinks but it's too hard for me to do what I need to do in order to successfully reboot this marriage when we are running around like crazy people. We are still having the same old problems that we have been having for a very long time and I feel like all I can do is brush it off and pray that some day we are going to have time for each other, although it feels like that time is never going to come. Right now I am just reading reading reading. It's all I can do. Educate myself. Change myself. Lose myself in this marriage. So I will continue to blog as I have time about my reading and what I am trying to do and what I am feeling. Right now I am feeling like I'm exhausted and I hope that somehow I can find the energy to be who I need to be.

My current read is "The New Rules of Marriage: A breakthrough program for 21st-Century relationships" by Terrence Real. It is basically a set of rules to guide you to change your behavior and attitudes so that you may have the relationship you dream of.

My only issue with reading these books and trying to change is I don't really know if it's working at all. We are still arguing. I know that we have been apart for several days now but is that really to blame? I hope that I can figure this out during the weeks to come because I hate feeling like I don't have the ability to make this better.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Date Night?!?!?

Oh boy... it is official, we are planning our first date. I feel like a giddy little girl or something. I don't even know how to describe how excited I am to plan a date for me and my husband. We have agreed to do a date night every 3rd set of days off and I am up first. To say I am nervous would be an understatement. I just hope that everything works out and it is the most amazing date ever. No pressure but this is how I will know if we make it or not... this is how I will know... :)

Day 9- Love Makes Good Impressions

Today's Dare: "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."

Greetings. Something that I rarely give any thought or consideration to. I have noticed lately though that my husband has been coming home with a smile and all around pleasantness. Even though I know he is exhausted and miserable he makes it a point to make sure that I know he loves that I am here!

Tonight when my husband came home from work I met him at the door, gave him a giant hug, and told him how happy I was to see him. Then I handed him his dinner and his love note for the day :). I honestly don't think that he knew what to think. I guess I'm not a good greeter.

***On a side note we started reading a book together last night, "How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Patricia Love and Stephen Stosny. The introduction went smoothly however the beginning of the first chapter was a little rough. It's hard to sit down and read after a long day. The ideas discussed about fear and shame however are very interesting. My marriage needs this connection that they are talking about and communication definitely is not getting us anywhere. I hope that if we can make it through the book we will develop a better understanding of each other. It's funny how people are generally all the same. I find it so odd how the story of the couple in the book is so similar to what happened between my husband and I. I wish that I would have realized our marriage was in such turmoil before this all happened. Maybe it would have been easier to repair us before the broken heart, now resentment haunts me more than I know and would like.

100 Ways to Say I love You-Day 9

Your smile is the loveliest sight in this world

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Love Evolves

Like most things in life, love is constantly evolving. An idea that until late has completely evaded me. My love for my husband has evolved. It began slowly, receded, grew again, receded and the flame almost died out.

Growing up I didn't believe in marriage. Even the day I got married, I didn't honestly believe that I could promise to love one person for the rest of my life. How could that even be possible? I knew that I loved him then and thought maybe I would figure the whole marriage thing out as we went along.

When I said my vows I didn't promise to love my husband the same way forever. I didn't say my love for you will never fade slightly or my love for you will never grow. I promised to stand by him for better or for worse. I promised to allow my love to evolve. So maybe my love isn't what I thought it would be at this point in my marriage, maybe my marriage isn't how I hoped it would be, but it is what it is, constantly evolving.

All I can do is make the best of what we have and work as hard as I can to make it better. There is no giving up hope, there is no way that I will give up on that dream of happily ever after. My husband is my prince charming. He may not always live up to the vision I have in my mind but he does all he can and I appreciate that more than I can express to him.

Our love is evolving everyday and all we can do is hold on for the ride.

Day 8- Love is not Jealous

I feel like I'm going to school on how to have a good marriage! Literally I'm not even kidding. It's a good thing that I love to learn! Right now my reading list consists of:

I hope these books have the answers I need.

Today's Dare: "Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."

Burning the list=not a hard task. Well technically I didn't burn it I just threw it in the trash! But I don't want to think negative things about my husband anymore. I want to be his biggest fan as I should be. I want to find the best in him and celebrate it. There is no reason for us to argue anymore. There shouldn't be an ounce of resentment or hate left. We put everything out in the open and I think now we can finally say it is all resolved. Yes, I still have some difficulty believing that he is being honest with me 100% of the time but that's okay because he reaffirms my trust in him every day. I know that there will still be some fights and there will still be some times when we don't see eye to eye but as we strengthen our love it will get easier to resolve everything with love.

Later today I am going to congratulate my husband on how proud I am of him for sticking it out with this job that he hates so much, a huge success in my eyes!

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Day 7-Love Believes the Best

Today's Dare: "For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both in a secret place for another day. there is a different purpose and plan for each. at some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic."

Negative thoughts have invaded my brain. That is all I have to say.

The negative list about my husband came a lot easier to me than the positive. I don't know if it is because of the problems we have been having lately or if I have been that way for a long time. I wish that I could honestly say that I spent my days spewing admiration for my husband, but negativity has settled in my soul. And especially now in this time of hurt it is so much easier for me to be negative then it is for me to want to be positive.

Something I hope I have accomplished in this week of dare, yes I have now officially completed a full week, is to rein in some of those negative thoughts and even if I do have them I keep them to myself. Yes, now and then one of those stray thoughts may come popping out of my mouth before I have the chance to think, but I am actively trying to restrain myself.

After the betrayal I would spend all day thinking about what had happened and would send my husband dozens of texts about all the negative things running through my brain. I really had no one to talk to but him and I couldn't imagine having kept all that stuff inside. Luckily my negative thoughts have slowed and now we are slowly finding ourselves in a happier place.

The one positive attribute I shared with my husband was that he is a great father.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I wish...

I wish I had a time machine and I could erase all of the awful things that have happened in my marriage. I wish that I could take back all of the hurt, all of the pain that I have caused my husband. Sometimes I lay awake at night, bursting into tears wondering how the hell did we end up here?!?! It's hard knowing that the one person that you love more than anything in the world has felt the sharpest, worst pain imaginable.

I often wonder when the pain will fade away when I will stop thinking about it. Finally at this point I think I can say for the most part I have let most of the pain go. About two months after the betrayal... I don't sit home and think about it non-stop all day. Instead of pining over it, I spend my hours researching ways to show my husband that I love him. I spend hours a day thinking of ways to make my husband want to stay.

I want to have a happy marriage. I don't want to worry about affairs or betrayal. I don't want to constantly worry what his next lie is going to be. I don't' want to worry what should I fear. I just want to know that I have a husband who is here for me, who is looking out for the best interest of my children and myself. When will I have that back?

I wish that I could have the life where I'm not constantly looking over my shoulder wondering if my husband is going to leave me. I know he says he isn't going anywhere, but he said the same thing to my face while he was plotting our separation.

My biggest wish right now, that this isn't all a game. That he really does love me and that when he does find the time he will work on this marriage with me. I wish for love. That's all I ever wanted... just to be loved.

Day 6 Love is Not irritable

Today's Dare: "Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life."

Another dare that is easier said than done, going hand in hand with that whole patience thing. Where do I need to add margin? One thing that I have been trying to work on is patience with my marital problems. I need to react better, knowing that just because I have all the time in the world to work on our marriage, my husband just doesn't. Instead of becoming irritable I should take a deep breath and wait.

It's taking me time. My attitude towards my husband and my marriage was basically at the point where we were both ready to leave each other. Divorce was on the table. As much as we both wish we could, we can't just snap our fingers and back peddle to a place of happiness. It took time for us to get angry and it will take time to erase it as well.

100 Ways to Say I love You Day 7

Every moment that we are apart, you are in my thoughts.