So investing in my relationship is officially my goal... A gift a day for the next year... maybe it will be easier said than done, but it is officially my goal in life to make my husbands day everyday!!!
Day 1- I wrote him a copy of my new vows.
Day 2- I gave him a hot bath, with candlelight and a massage :)
So far he is pretty happy I would say!!! Let the gift giving keep rocking!
When does the feeling of being betrayed finally fade away? When will trust and love just feel like the normal right thing to do again? I feel as though I am living with a complete stranger. Everything he says and does makes me angry, for no apparent rational reason other than the fact that I am mad. Not really mad at him just mad in general. Why doesn't he get that? When will he begin to understand that I can't get over this? Can't get past this? I feel like every time I feel like things are getting slightly better we end up in a place 10 x's worse than where we were to begin with. At least when we were fighting I was being 100% honest with him.
How do I tell him that with him starting this new job I feel like he is going to cheat on me again? How do you tell that to your husband who is so obviously trying to work through everything with you? Why won't he just take me to counseling? I don't really know why I think that would be the answer to all of our problems, but I do. I just don't understand why he thinks that we have no more problems. He thinks that everything is just perfect and that my mood and attitude are the only thing wrong... so I have a lot to work on but our relationship is just fine. How can he not see that my moods and perceived attitude are in response to what I feel is wrong with our relationship. I don't even know what to say at this point in our marriage. Five years and two cheating spouses later... what do you say. How do you let the anger and the hurt go. Forgiveness seemed like it was such an easy concept. But again it's one of those things that are easier said than done.
I tried Googling everything under the sun that I could think of that could help. How to forgive, how to forget, how to be a better wife, how to have the perfect marriage, how to have an affair proof marriage. But maybe all of those things are the issues that I have to work on. Maybe I should have been looking up how to stop being mad. Because now I think that is the number one problem that we have. I don't know how to stop being mad at him. Not that he doesn't deserve some of that anger... But maybe he is right and it isn't fair of me to treat him this way. I feel like I have hit a dead end... like I am stuck in this place where I hate myself and my husband more than I ever thought possible. And all I want to do is let it all go. All I keep thinking is I wish I had a best friend to talk to again. Because if I had a friend I wouldn't be typing this, I would actually have someone to talk to... :(
I have spent years in self loathing. Days on end feeling worthless. More time than I would like to admit wondering how did I end up here... I have never admitted this to anyone and will probably keep it deep down inside for many years to come, hoping that eventually it will just fade away. But it just never seems to. My husband would tell you I have low self esteem. Then he would continue on to make me feel bad about it. Asking me why I do this to myself. Asking me when I'm going to change. Why doesn't he understand that if I could control these emotions I would. I dont like this person I have become. A smaller, sadder version of myself. I'll admit this to myself and my blog that couples as my 'diary' that no one reads, but that's as far as I can go. Too bad I can't even bring myself to type the words I really feel.
Somethings are so hard to say. Sometimes the words that need to get spoken get stuck somewhere deep down inside. I don't even know what to say anymore. I told him I need someone to talk to and I don't think he gets it. He says I can talk to him that he will listen. What about the part of I can't talk to him did he not get? It's not because I don't love him or trust him or anything like that. It's because I need someone to tell me my feelings are okay. I need someone to justify all the things that I feel so awful about. Or at least tell me I'm not a bad person for thinking them. I need someone to help me get over all of this so I can stop obsessing. Or tell me it's okay to obsess. I don't know what's okay anymore. Emotional boundaries are so confusing right now!
So It's been almost a month since I have given up on working on my marriage. And basically that didn't work out at all for me. I don't even know where to begin this time. I feel like he is scheming and trying to replace me again. When am I going to stop feeling like this? When is everything going to just feel right with us? I feel like I want to vomit right now. I feel like I have everything to lose right now. I am lost. I am so completely lost right now. I wish that I would have taken him up on his marriage counseling offer in the beginning. I wish that all of our issues were resolved. The horrible thing is that I have fallen back into all of my old habits that made him cheat on me in the first place. So where do I go from here. God I wish that I had a friend... seriously JUST ONE!!! Someone to talk to... someone to listen to me... someone to help me get through this.